What my Husband’s pornography addiction did to me

Before I became a reborn Christian I use to watch pornography every now and then with my husband. I used to say there is no harm, but the fact was: I was not OK with it. Whenever we were intimate I always wondered if my husband fantasised about the women we saw in the movies. I always felt self-conscious because I was not able to do what the people in the movies could and I definitely did not look as good as the 20 year old in the movie who had never had children.

Intercourse was not intimate at all, but more of a race to try and live out something I saw in a movie. I did a lot of things just to please my husband. I didn't want to be boring in bed. I did some disgusting stuff in an effort to keep things interesting.

Later on in my marriage Jesus saved me from my sins and I devoted my life to Jesus. Shortly after that I found out that this was not the only extent of my husband’s pornography viewing. It was also books and websites that he viewed continuously. I found that anything with a dress was a potential fantasy, him wondering what is beneath it all, not able to keep his eyes off women. I felt so hurt, lied to, angry, ashamed, shocked, insecure, and heartbroken... the list goes on.

Let me tell you, your wife might say she is ok with watching pornography with you, but deep inside, she is not. You are hurting her, she feels that she will never be good enough to satisfy you. She is doing things that are against her will and morals. The perverse sex disgusts her, she cannot do the same things the people in the movies do, it is physically impossible.

This is something you should know... Your wife cannot fully respect you as she feels that you have no respect for her. She is afraid of denying because she is afraid you will reject her.

If you are not certain if it is wrong to watch pornography, masturbate, have perverse sex, feel free to 1st ask God’s blessing before you do it and see if you feel OK with it? I guess not.

My husband will never fully understand the impact his addiction had on me. With God’s grace I have forgiven him. Some scars take longer to heal, but Jesus is the only true Healer.

I beg of you to call on Jesus to heal you of your addictions, He is so faithful. He will restore your marriage and intimate relationship with your wife.

From a wife, a mother, a lover.