Her endurance

What my husbands pornography addiction did to me.

Before I became a reborn Christian I use to watch pornography every now and then with my husband. I used to say there is no harm, but the fact was: I was not OK with it. Whenever we were intimate I always wondered if my husband fantasised about the women we saw in the movies. I always felt self-conscious because I was not able to do what the people in the movies could and I definitely did not look as good as the 20 year old in the movie who had never had children.

Intercourse was not intimate at all, but more of a race to try and live out something I saw in a movie. I did a lot of things just to please my husband. I didn't want to be boring in bed. I did some disgusting stuff in an effort to keep things interesting.

Later on in my marriage Jesus saved me from my sins and I devoted my life to Jesus. Shortly after that I found out that this was not the only extent of my husband’s pornography viewing. It was also books and websites that he viewed continuously. I found that anything with a dress was a potential fantasy, him wondering what is beneath it all, not able to keep his eyes off women. I felt so hurt, lied to, angry, ashamed, shocked, insecure, and heartbroken... the list goes on.

Let me tell you, your wife might say she is ok with watching pornography with you, but deep inside, she is not. You are hurting her, she feels that she will never be good enough to satisfy you. She is doing things that are against her will and morals. The perverse sex disgusts her, she cannot do the same things the people in the movies do, it is physically impossible.

This is something you should know... Your wife cannot fully respect you as she feels that you have no respect for her. She is afraid of denying because she is afraid you will reject her.

If you are not certain if it is wrong to watch pornography, masturbate, have perverse sex, feel free to 1st ask God’s blessing before you do it and see if you feel OK with it? I guess not.

My husband will never fully understand the impact his addiction had on me. With God’s grace I have forgiven him. Some scars take longer to heal, but Jesus is the only true Healer.

I beg of you to call on Jesus to heal you of your addictions, He is so faithful. He will restore your marriage and intimate relationship with your wife.

From a wife, a mother, a lover.

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I Danced With His Addiction
  ~ A true story of how a women survived her husband's adultery and pornography addiction and how it affected her.

The first time I laid my eyes on him, I was amazed by the strong tugging in my heart. I instantly denied the feeling, the longing, the want… the time was not right. Not yet.

We ran into each other again, after a couple of weeks since we first met, and I knew I cannot resist the feeling of wanting to be with him any longer. I wanted him. He made me feel like a women again… For many years I was dead. Merely existing.. Surviving.. I wanted to love again. I wanted to be loved so badly that ‘it’, this intense desire that was burning my flesh, burst forth like a volcano. And it made me desperate. So desperate that I built my happiness on someone else’s pain…

My God, how could I?

Funny how the phrase 'what goes around, comes around' applies, realising its not just an old vintage saying, but actually scriptural.

We both gave in to the desires of our hearts, rampantly going astray… not a care in the world; as long as we had each other. Just as long as we were together.

I was in a hazy bliss.

A year or so went by; when I first heard the repellent news… my beloved husband visited a whorehouse.

I was devastated. Can this word really describes the pain, the shock, the confusion, the distraught I felt? How can I even try to convey the pain? Is there a word that can summarise my shattered dreams? The betrayal of my gorgeous prince?

How do I deal with this?

I confronted him. He denied it. I chose to believe him. I had to feel safe again!

We did what every married couple do, I suppose. We continued living our life as if nothing happened, ignoring the signs of stress and the shattered trust there once was.

Even though I chose to believe him, something inside me was crippled. Our marriage was not the same because deep down inside I knew he lied.

I so desperately held on to my dream, our dream… the one we dreamed when we were in each other’s arms, laughing and lovingly loving each other.

Then the news came again… Can you feel hurt over old hurt that was the same hurt? Is it at all possible? Can one handle that kind of anguish? Did God design our organs to withstand such immense pain? How do you hold on to what feels like if your gut is gushing out of every opening in your body?

What was wrong with me?

What did I do wrong?

Was I not pretty enough?

Was I not good enough?

Was I not funny enough?

Was my breast to small?

Did it sag too much after the years?

Was I boring in bed?

Was I not as exciting when we made love?

Was he bored?

I didn’t know.

I was scared. Scared to give up on us. Scared that I have lost him. Scared that I will be alone with me, our children.

I did not know how to patch things up. I just didn’t. I wasn’t prepared for this. I did not know how to deal with ‘this’.

Our marriage was falling apart.

We drifted apart… two broken people…trying to make one whole.

I was often left alone by my man who often went on a drinking spree’s with his friends and colleagues… and women.

My husband eventually became violent and hostile towards me.

What I did not know then, is that the spirit of addiction, violence and murder works very closely together.

At first he would hit me when he was drunk. He was extremely aggressive and at times it was though as he was ‘looking for a reason’ to be violent towards me.

I struggled and fought back. I was not going to let a man… my once charming husband – humiliate me. But the more I fought back, the worse everything became.

I became an appalling wife.

I have hurt him just as much, if not more.  I did not honour God's word by submitting to his authority in our home.... I did not know God's word and felt that he did not deserve my respect.  I belittled him, spoke badly of him. I went against him and tried to challenge him on everything.  Shouting & swearing back, scaring our once sacred marriage with sickening words. I've began to go out with my friends, to ‘get back at him’. Try not to care. But I did care.

If only I could leave him! Why did I not pack up my things and go? Was I that desperate? I hated myself for being so pathetic? Good heavens! How can one be so pitiful?

Shameful, worthless, inferior, despicable… are sound words I described myself for not standing up for myself, for not leaving him.

Was it love that kept me by his side?

Did I still love him at all?

I can honestly say I don’t know. I have rummaged every area of my heart to find the truth.

Was I that financially depended on him that I could not leave?

No, I would have managed on my own.

Why, why oh why did I then stay?

I wanted to leave! So many times!

Then finally, it was in the early days of a new year, that the news came again... he was yet with another prostitute.

The very first time in all those years of his betrayal have I finally had the courage to take a firm stand against my husband. I had proof. I was like a fuming lioness. Not only was I hungry for revenge, I wanted revenge and I was very ready for it. I was like an athlete who trained for months to win a race. I was focused. My mind made up. Every muscle in my body was set for action.

As I woke up the following morning, the day after my big discovery, my body just gave in under the years of betrayal and rejection. I broke down. For the first time in my life, I have allowed my body, my heart, my soul, to deal with the betrayal. I was in sheer agony. I wept for hours and hours.

Where did all the tears came from? I never knew that one’s body has the capacity to cry for hours on end, without drying up.

I decided I needed to cry. I needed to rid of all the poison and hatred that I allowed to build up inside of me, all these years. The more I cried the weaker I became. I felt like an old floor cloth. Wasted and ruined.

I have always considered myself to be strong. I can deal with any situation. Have, as a matter of fact dealt with so many heart aches, from my early childhood days, and I came through every single one of them.

Why was this time so different?

I wanted to commit suicide. The mere thought of it scared me… I was always the one who spoke out against ‘weak’ people. Who selfishly committed suicide? How little did I know? How easy it is to speak about something you know so little off?

My spirit was crushed.

The only thing I instantly knew, that I needed to do, was to give my life to Jesus. Something inside my head and my heart told me that He was the only way out. The only solution to my brokenness...

My God, My God. My God… I called! He heard me. This Sovereign God, whom I have only heard off, heard me. He heard a wretch like me! I needed Him. I needed a Saviour so badly that I would do anything, anything to rid of this immense pain.

God changed my heart in a matter of days. I decided against the divorce I have planned… A split both my husband and I welcomed at that stage.

I have asked my husband for a second chance. I told him that I have completely surrendered my heart to Jesus. I could see from the expression on his face, that he was surprised.

We both chose to give our marriage another chance, a fresh start.

I wish I could say the journey from there on was easy. It wasn’t.

We were two broken people. Each of us had to heal from the pain of the past;

Our feelings of insignificance

Low self esteem

Lack of confidence

Rejection

Pride

Humiliation

Addictions

We both tried very hard. Amidst of the pain and brokenness, we both wanted this to work.

I became in a certain sense very from him, mostly during our intimate times. The thought of him being with prostitutes kept me awake at nights… many nights. I could not bear the thought of him loving a whore. I was uncertain of how he would want me to ‘behave’ in bed. I became shy, very self-conscience. How did he have sex with her, the prostitute, a paid professional in bed? What did he fantasise about that I was not willing to give or perform, that he paid someone else for it? Does he want me to lay romantically still? Did he want me to be flexible like a gymnast? Does he want me to be rough and rude, or did he fantasise about me swinging from chandeliers?

I wanted to know why? I had to know. For the sake of myself I needed to know. What type of ‘look’ did he prefer? Did he prefer blonds with a double D breast size? A brunette with a firm buttocks or older women with more experience & very little inhibitions. Or did he prefer them young?

I did a lot of praying. A lot of soul-searching... What could I have done, to prevent ‘this’. What did I do, to make him go ‘there’? Did I put too much pressure on him? Throughout all this time, I prayed for God to heal my soul, my heart, my self-confidence, my pride. To lift this cloth of rejection that covered me. I prayed and begged God to restore my love for him. I have asked God to give me renewed trust in him. Something so big, a marriage could not survive without. I can honestly say, I have seen God performing many-many miracles in our marriage. He restored not just only my trust and love for my husband, but He gave me a ‘new love’ for him. God restored me. He healed my brokenness.

God taught me a very important thing, a phrase so significant, it kept me sane: That I must capture my thoughts… and not fix my mind on painful events of the past…

Hebrews3:1

Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus …

As the time went by, I have had yet to learn of his addiction. I was quite naïve by thinking that he only had a few encounters with prostitutes. I was not aware of him visiting strip clubs… and that he was addicted to pornography.

Only after a couple of years, we talked about this. I needed closure, so he allowed me to ask him all the questions that kept burning in my heart.

I realised as he revealed his innermost struggle with pornography, God truly healed me. I felt no pain as he discloses it. I only felt an immense empathy towards him.

Even today I must still capture my thoughts as the enemy constantly beget negative thoughts that used to devastate me, to my attention. I have decided that I will trust and believe him. No matter what! Am I yet being naïve? No, I trust God with my husband now.

I silently vowed that I would pray for him; to be free from all of this!

Jesus wants us to be set free from our infirmities. Luke 13:12. He also said that we shall know the truth and the truth shall set us free. John 8:32

I will continue to pray for him. He is my husband, after all... The one I chose. I promised him that I would stand by him, through thick and thin…

Today, after all the hardships and pain ...I can honestly say, I truly love him, this handsome prince of mine.